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At the recent Grammys, Noah Kahan observed his surroundings – Beyoncé, Taylor Swift – and confidently thought to himself: “No one can deny that I deserve to be here.” Despite his nomination for best new artist and the success of his album on both US and UK charts, he still struggled with impostor syndrome.
He brought his mother along and she had a great time. “I was sitting by myself, thinking: ‘Wow, I am definitely the least cool person here at the party.’ My mom was doing great, everyone around me was doing great. It just reinforced this negative belief I have about myself – which isn’t healthy – that I don’t fit in.” He grins. “I could have easily gotten up and introduced myself to someone – it’s my own fault.” As he sits on a couch at his record label’s office in London, he chuckles at his own folly. “It’s something I need to work on, learning how to feel worthy and deserving.”
The 27-year-old’s relatability at the Grammys is a testament to his appeal, despite the glamorous and surreal nature of the event. He is currently on a sold-out arena tour in Europe and North America and made his way from Leeds this morning. During his train ride, he contemplated how his newfound lavish lifestyle would impact his songwriting process and ability to connect with millions of fans. He questioned how he could continue to write about relatable experiences when he now receives hair and makeup services and is served coffee on demand, rather than longing to escape from his father’s house like he used to.
However, this may not be significant. “Because I did not anticipate Vermont to be relatable.”
The artist’s third album, Stick Season, was released in 2022 and recently reached the top spot in the UK. He grew up in the New England state where he wrote the album. In its latest version, the album features collaborations with artists such as Brandi Carlile, Hozier, and Post Malone. While some songs are specific to certain places, they still have a universal appeal. Kahan’s music resonates with a generation that prioritizes mental health and is open to discussing it. He explores themes of belonging and feeling out of place, longing for home, and the fear of being left behind by others who have moved on. Even if you’re not from Stafford, Vermont, you can still relate to meeting up with old friends during Christmas or feeling like others have moved on without you.
Kahan grew up in Vermont and New Hampshire with three siblings. His father was employed in the IT field and his mother was a writer. At the age of eight, Kahan began writing music and received a guitar at 10 years old. He and his father would practice songs by Beatles and Cat Stevens together. One of Kahan’s favorite albums was Green Day’s American Idiot, which he felt resonated with his own feelings of angst and anger. He was drawn to the album’s combination of powerful emotions and storytelling, and it inspired him to pursue a similar sound in his own music.
During high school, older students who were creating and sharing music online began to take notice of Kahan’s songs. Eventually, a record company approached his family and he signed a deal at the age of 17. He was ecstatic and felt like he had achieved success. He even joked about how his decision to not attend college would make his friends jealous of his glamorous life in LA. However, while his friends went off to college, Kahan stayed home for about a year and a half after signing the deal. During this time, artists like Hozier, James Bay, and George Ezra were gaining popularity, and Kahan was seen as fitting into that same category with his long hair and acoustic guitar.
He relocated to Nashville and experienced the struggles of a lesser-known artist, attempting to find his niche. He eventually grew weary of this and realized he was trying to be someone he wasn’t, possibly resembling popular white, male singer-songwriters in their twenties like Ed Sheeran. Despite one of his songs, “Hurt Somebody,” achieving gold status in the US in 2017, his efforts were ultimately unsuccessful.
One aspect that he enjoyed was going on tour and opening for other musicians such as Bay and Leon Bridges. He felt like he had more freedom to express himself on stage and it gave him a sense of personal growth. However, he also had moments of disappointment when returning to Nashville, New York, or LA to write songs. He describes this as a period of “growing pains,” but at the time he was naive and believed everything would work out. He admits to being afraid of failure, but also had the misguided belief that someone would come in to save him from being dropped by his label. In reality, people get dropped from labels all the time, but he was fortunate to have a supportive team.
He had been struggling with his mental well-being for a long time. When he was around eight or nine years old, he began having episodes of depersonalization, where he felt disconnected from himself. It was like living in a dream and he believes that this was the first sign of his depression and anxiety. He tried various methods to cope, such as taking Prozac, going to therapy, exercising, and eating healthily, but eventually realized that it was something he would always have to deal with.
During his early twenties, Kahan was striving for success but was not satisfied with the work he was producing. This pressure led to a breakdown where he experienced burnout and deep depression. He engaged in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as binge-eating, smoking weed, and constantly checking his online presence for validation.
During this period, he admits to searching for songwriters on Wikipedia in order to discover their most successful songs and imitate them. He describes feeling like he was only existing superficially and wasting time, leading him to a dark place. However, his parents showed great kindness and openness in talking to him and assuring him that he would be alright, ultimately helping him seek assistance.
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Therapy was beneficial. He explains, “I made an effort to be more truthful and open with my feelings. I had been advocating for vulnerability in my music, but I realized I wasn’t truly embracing it in my personal life.” While writing Stick Season, he was taking antidepressants. However, he became anxious and feared that the medication would hinder his creativity. He stopped taking them abruptly, resulting in withdrawal symptoms. In hindsight, he regrets not staying on the medication as it left him feeling emotionally numb. He felt stuck in a difficult decision.
Is he still dealing with depersonalisation? “Yes, when I’m very stressed,” he explains. The week of the Grammys was difficult – he felt like he was in an unfamiliar place, with all the commotion and energy surrounding it. Occasionally, he experiences it while performing on stage. He’s grateful for his openness, especially while on tour, so he doesn’t feel like he’s hiding a big secret. He goes through ups and downs and it’s something he has to constantly monitor.
In 2020, when the pandemic began, Kahan left New York and returned to his parents’ home in Vermont, situated on a vast expanse of land and forest. His first album, Busyhead, had been released the previous year but received little attention. He felt unsuccessful and considered giving up his career since touring was not an option.
Returning to his hometown and reuniting with his siblings brought Kahan back to the creative teenager he used to be, before his pursuit of commercial success as a pop star. At the same time, his parents were going through a separation and although they are now divorced, they still live close to each other on their shared property. Witnessing their raw and genuine emotions as they worked through their separation taught him the importance of emotional honesty. He reflects, “It was a valuable lesson for me to witness.”
Kahan composed several introspective and folky songs and collaborated with a nearby producer to create an EP called “Cape Elizabeth” within a week. The tight deadline proved to be liberating, as there was not much room for self-doubt or overthinking. Kahan reflects that his previous music had been tense and insecure, but this project allowed him to let go of caring too much.
The artist’s latest work was not a significant deviation from his previous material, which had a hint of folk influence, but it seemed to have a stronger emotional impact and was possibly less focused on commercial success. The EP received moderate success: “It gained a smaller following of devoted fans. And I was also very committed to it.” However, the subsequent album, titled I Was/I Am, showcased the artist struggling with his sense of self; while it contained some good songs, there was still a sense of insincerity in his younger voice. It did not make it onto the charts.
He is a fan of Mumford & Sons, the band known for their banjo-playing and often ridiculed as part of the folk-pop revival of the 2010s. Was he concerned that this reputation would affect him? Does he care about being seen as cool? “No, I don’t think I care that much,” he says with a smile. “I think I stopped caring when I did my first photoshoot. I saw what I looked like and that was it. It’s also tiring trying to be cool and constantly pushing boundaries. I don’t have the energy for it. Right now, I’m just going to play my mandolin, okay?”
According to the author, working on Stick Season was the most joyful he has ever been in his life, creatively speaking. During his commute to the recording studio in southern Vermont, he felt completely immersed in the album. He felt a sense of ownership over the album, as it was about his personal experiences in Vermont and New England. This experience made him realize that he had never felt this level of connection to his own music before.
While composing the title track, the musician utilized TikTok to share his work in progress, which greatly contributed to its success. However, due to a dispute over payment, his record label’s parent company, Universal, has removed his music from the platform. This situation is unfortunate, according to the musician, as he had built a large following on TikTok. He hopes that other artists, particularly those who are up-and-coming or on the verge of a breakthrough, will not be discouraged by this and instead find alternative ways to share their talent and stories with their audience.
During the month of July, Kahan’s tour will make a stop at Fenway Park in Boston, a venue with a capacity of 38,000 people. This location held great significance in his childhood as he imagined what it would be like to achieve immense success. He continues to struggle with the idea and worries that the booking of such a large arena may have been a mistake for his name.
“It’s almost too easy to believe that I have created music that holds such significance to me and has resonated with others. It’s almost as if there is a sinister force at work, making this all happen.” He chuckles. On days when the songwriting process feels forced, performing in front of a large audience can feel like a deception, fooling them into thinking he is someone he’s not. But on a good day? “I feel invincible.”
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The new album “Stick Season (Forever)” has been released in the UK by Island Records.
Source: theguardian.com
